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Positive Vibes Going On Today

Day 8 Morning

It’s an “I’m feeling good kind of day”.  I have got positive vibes going on today.  To quote a song “Ain’t nothing going to break my stride”.  I went to bed at a decent time; got 7.5 hours of sleep, started moving a bit more than I have been.  Nothing major, just a walk to the knitting store yesterday. I have picked up a new hobby and I recruited a co-worker when she heard I was knitting.  Now I have a friend to knit with, and walk to the knitting store occasionally.  They have a “lounge” with big comfy couches, and its another activity to build into my schedule.   Part of my “changing patterns”  plan.

There are certain new patterns I am putting into my week too.  Not so much a “Have to do every day”, but a relaxed and casual list of things I can do differently.  Here are some of the ideas I have come up with:

  1.  A photo walk in a park or neighborhood. I get an hour for lunch so I have the time to incorporate these into my lunch scheduled.
  2. Knitting before and after work.   I love the idea of meeting new women too.  They have a get together one night a week that I may look into.
  3. Morning Meditation and Evening Wind down.  This is really a grounding exercise (More about this later)  I have a friend who has a great recording to help do this for about 2 minutes in the morning and the evening and she is going to give it to me to free to offer anyone in my group to use.  I will be posting it soon!
  4. Water, water, water.  I never get enough of this healing beverage and its so important to keep focused in all areas of my life.
  5. For me, 7-8 hours of sleep, no excuses.
  6.  Vitamins and minerals as part of this health management system I am using.  It’s not difficult to do, and its giving me the healthy benefits my body needs to start functioning effectively.
  7. Go left instead of right!  When I notice a pattern that isn’t serving me, I think about how I can do the opposite and I implement the change in small steps.
  8. My mantra.  I created a mantra that I say every morning.  “I accept and love myself unconditionally right now”.  When I started that I was skeptical.  Could positive affirmations really work?  I am mean seriously?  Its so simple.  Well, it does.  I say thank you to myself and to the God and the Universe more often.  I see more things happening for me that I never noticed before.  Recently I started an affirmation jar filled with quotes. I pull one when I need an extra boost and I’ll be darned if it doesn’t match exactly what I need to hear at the moment.

Two new things I am adding.

9)  Look in the mirror.  Really look in the mirror and love what I see.  I noticed that every morning I do the “routine”; brush my teeth, fix my hair, etc.  But I never really look at myself in the mirror. I just started doing it well saying my mantra out loud.  AMAZING!  This isn’t about weight loss, remember? Its about loving myself now.

10) Take the picture.  I don’t hide from the camera anymore.   In fact, I am taking more selfies.  And when someone takes a picture with me in it, I say, YES!  No more hiding.  Because I love my body, and its changing each and every day.  And my friends and family want me in the picture.  So I am saying YES!

These are just a few changes.  Some of them I have made and implemented over the past few years, some are new, but these create positive vibes make a difference to me.

What patterns can you change?  What new positive vibe decisions can you make to change your mindset?  Would love to hear from you.

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Breaking Patterns.

Patterns for better living.  Going from Lackluster to Loving!

Day 7, Evening.

I have been writing about patterns and habits and its become a major focus for me.  I find that patterns and habits can get in the way of change and growth.  What is most amazing to me is that the patterns can be so subtle but you get used to them and they simply become part of the life you live.  Patterns can be good for you, in fact, they can lead to a process that helps you change, but its those sneaky ones that were created because you were stopping living, or choosing an easier way.

So here are some of the patterns I have created that I think I need to break.

  1.  I always go to lunch around 3:00pm.  This is because  there aren’t any people in the restaurants, and I can sit and eat uninterrupted.  I also don’t do well in crowds.  Mostly because this was close to happy hour time when I was drinking, so I could have one or two, go back to work and then hit happy hour (I know, seriously not good right?  But that was 10 years ago).  Now I still eat at 3:00 then again dinner at 6:00 and honestly, after a big lunch, no way I am truly needing another full dinner.
  2. My whole closet of clothes hangs in the laundry room on our main floor.  I literally get dressed in my office/family room.  This also includes makeup, hairstyling, etc.  I realize this is because I come down, feed birds, walk the dogs, etc and I don’t want to climb two flights of stairs again just to get dressed.  I have become complacent.  Clothes belong in my bedroom, in my closet.
  3. I set my alarm to get up at 5:00am giving me ample time to do what I want to do around the house.  Yoga, writing, walking.  I end up getting up sometime between 630-7.  I thought this was because I was so tired, and while that is true, the honest assessment is that I need 8 hours of sleep and going to bed at 11:00pm just doesn’t allow for a 5:00am wake up call.  I can either stay up late watching television and get up by 7, or go to be earlier and wake up earlier.  The real question is do I really want to build my business?  If so, it takes time.  So whether late at night or early morning, I have to own it, get busy, do the work and quit the television.  And I still need my sleep.
  4. I schedule too many things in order to avoid the work I need to do.  Like paying bills, home repairs, doctor’s appointments, you name it.  I have been making excuses for not getting things done because I am never home.  Truth is, I need to schedule myself at home more and simply get it done.  If I don’t do it, I create bigger problems for myself.
  5. I say yes, more than I say no, even when I really want to say no.  I want to belong so I think I have to make everyone happy.  And sometimes that just isn’t healthy for me.  New Mantra…take care of me so I can take care of those I love, and say no to those things that I don’t want to do or enjoy doing.

These are just a few and I know more assessments are on their way.  I feel good about it.  It’s like having my own personal Renaisance.

Change the patterns, change the girl.

I feel like I am recreating myself through this process and it feels good.  What patterns do you have that are excuses for lackluster living?  Would love to hear if you have any.   Post below!

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Connecting the Dots

Day 6, Evening  Connecting Dots

My Pastor used to tell me as I began to explore my faith, that I was a baby believer, connecting the dots, and becomes a fully committed follower of Jesus Christ.  He was right.  I was learning, and looking at my faith walk with open eyes of childlike wonder.  I asked a lot of questions, made many observations about my life and my actions, and what I wanted to do with the new found belief and unconditional love from God and his son, that I clearly never felt I deserved or certainly had never earned.  And yet, there God was, loving me unconditionally.

Today, I am learning to love my self unconditionally as I am, in the body I have today.  For the most part, I think I have done a pretty good job of not letting my weight get in the way of my dreams.  But there have been times where my weight gets the best of me and I am a puddled mess of tears and self loathing.

Today though, I woke up feeling pretty good.  I was proud of myself for showing up, drinking my water, following this new health plan.   I felt light.  I packed my usual for work, a yogurt, a few snacks, my bottle of water.  Lunches I usually eat at a local restaurant with no restraints and since I work in a local historic town, restaurants abound.  I have wide open choices for lunch.  But today, today was going to be different.  I was going over to that gym and actually use my membership.  (One $600 visit to the gym since I haven’t been there all year!!)

I packed up my workout clothes and when lunch time came around, I did everything I could to talk myself out of that gym.  Walking out to the car my mind said “lunch time”, my body said, “Let’s Move”.  I was stuck in my pattern of doing life as I always have.  Snack all day, eat a large late lunch,  head home, eat dinner while watching television, and head to bed.  Since I eat lunch at around 3:00pm, I can’t possibly be hungry at 6:00, but we eat anyway, me thinking I have to eat because if I don’t eating after 8:00pm is too late.  No sense going to bed on a full stomach right??

Well, you might be thinking that I went to the gym and worked out.  I did not.  But the thing is, as I walked to my car to head out, I noticed things differently.  It was a beautiful day.  A walk would be nice.  I could bring my art bag to work and head to the park and spend an hour creating.  There is so much you can do other than working out at a gym on a fall day.  I began connecting the dots.  My lifestyle was changing.  Not because of meals and what I eat, but because I was wholly assessing things, seeing possibilities, seeing that I wanted things to change.  I wanted to do this life differently.

A therapist was told me, “If you truly want to change habits, you have to change the pattern.  If every night when you head home you take the road that turns to the right, turn and take the road that turns to left.”  Change your way of doing things. 

So, today, I turned left outside my office, right down the road to the restaurants.  And I got out and headed to the restaurant for lunch.  But not without a few new ideas and a better plan in place.  I drove past the 24 hour gym and no one was in there working out.  3:00pm seems like a great time to go if I want the place to myself.  I noted that in my my notebook.  24 hour gym, 3:00pm on Mondays.  Gold’s Gym, 3:30pm on Sundays.  Two days of moving, CHECK!  I also realized that if I am not hungry, I don’t have to eat.  And today, I wasn’t hungry.  And I realized that I am planning on too many snacks, which, if I want to have a nice lunch, I probably don’t need.  If I eat all those items come lunch time, I won’t be hungry.  At least not anymore.  Since I have started, I seem to be always full, and eating has become more of a habit or pattern I am stuck in.  I know I need to eat, I know I enjoy great food, so perhaps being more selective in my choices.  Plan for something I really enjoy, rather than mindless eating simply because I feel I have to.  Why is that any way?   If I know I am getting the vitamins and minerals I need; if I truly feel full, if my body is telling me its not hungry, and wants something different, why does that scheduled meal time have to happen?

I kind of feel like my thoughts are all over the map today.  But I know its like the Pastor said, I am a baby believer in this new process, putting faith in my body.  Asking questions, trying out new things, thinking differently about the way I do life.  I am connecting the dots, and at times they don’t fall into one straight line.  They are all coming together though and its an exciting time for me.

So, I guess I have to ask myself the question…”What are you going to do differently Taryn?” 

Well, first its not all going to happen over night, but I think changing patterns is important. Turning right instead of left!  Here are some of the items I have noticed and what I am going to plan for next week:

I am creating a “Soft” schedule.  I say soft because I don’t like too much structure.  But, I know some good times to exercise on Sunday and Monday.  The rest of this week, I am going to do some monitoring.  See if I can identify some other good things to do.  I do love getting outside, so packing my art bag and camera in the car, and at least one day, I am going to explore outdoors.  There is so much to see in the city where I work, and a photo or video may be kind of fun to create.

I need to have a plan.  More on that later.  In fact, I will share my next week’s schedule here shortly!  Have a great day, and thank you for coming by and supporting me.

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Checking in. Journal Writing

Day 6, Morning

As I write my journal and share it with you I realize that not every day is going to be filled with “aha” moments and revelations about bad habits and monumental successes.  Some days are just going to be average days.

But the act of writing in a journal is helping me.  Its helping me stay on course and pay attention to what I am doing throughout the day.  I have a thought about something I want to explore more and I make note of it to journal about later.

I am going to keep this practice throughout my journey with and without revelations and I encourage you to do the same.  As I look back I am sure it will serve as a constant reminder of where I began, and how far I have come.  Its difficult to “throw in the towel” when your days are recorded in front of you and you know how much it means to you.  Especially when you see it in your actions and words on the screen.

So, no real revelations this morning.  I am awake, getting ready for work.  A little tired.  I have to figure out how to get more water in my body without having to get up four times a night.   I know that water is important in this process.  No one needed to tell me that.  My body needs hydration and the larger you are, the more it needs.  This might be my biggest challenge at the moment.  During the day I don’t think about it much.   I get wrapped up in work.  I don’t even think about taking a break.  That is my goal for this week.  To drink more water during the day.  I will keep you posted!  Hope you are doing well!

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Weigh In.

Day 5 Evening

Gold’s Gym has a sign on its door as you enter that says, “Half the battle is showing up”.  I went to the gym today.  It was sort of a challenge.  Steve (my coach) suggested I just go, after telling him I have two memberships I pay for monthly that I never use.  One at a 24 hour fitness center (thinking I would walk during my lunch and its near my office), and one at a Gold’s gym near my home because they just added a salt water pool, and I love to swim.  Sadly, I have been paying gym memberships for years and not attending.  Feeling bad about my body can be a financial strain when you (I) make decisions to feel better, be better, or make quick fix decisions thinking that its an easier way.  The weight loss industry is booming at my expense, and yet, I can’t blame them.  Its me who ultimately makes the decision to buy.

Anyway, my coach suggested I just visit, and since I really wanted to get on track I felt a “weigh in” was in order.  I have been ignoring my weight, my calorie intake, my financial spending around it, for so long, that I decided if I am going to see if this new way of healthy living is going to work, then by God, I want proof.  And to do that, I needed a benchmark so I could compare as the months pass by on this health program.   So my only goal was to “weigh in” on the digital scale.  Check.  Look around the gym.  Check.  Show up.  Check.  Work out?  Nope.  But this gym is rather slow on Sunday afternoons around 4:00pm.  I can handle that.  Next Sunday 4:00pm.  Check. I can do that.

What shocked me, was how much I weighed.  I think I mentioned when I first started this site, that I had gastric bypass about 10 years ago.  I lost close to 100 pounds.  I knew I had gained weight, quite a bit actually since then, but I didn’t know how close I am to what I weighed before the surgery.  40 more pounds and I will be right back where I started.  While I had thought my pants were shrinking in the wash as it felt like the legs were getting shorter, turns out those wonderful spandex, cotton stretch pants were only accommodating the weight around my middle.

So what did I do?  I cried a little.

I took a deep breath, and reminded myself that I am on this journey for the duration.  I repeated my mantra “I love myself unconditionally right now”, and I went home.

Some might wonder why I didn’t stay and work out, sweat until my clothes were dripping, anything to lose the weight.   Part of me was embarrassed and shamed by this new found information.  Another part of me knew that no amount of work out today would take away the 60 pounds I had gained. I also knew what I really wanted to do at this moment was eat away the pain.  I needed to work through all this without doing something that was an emotional reaction to a temporary setback in my mind.

I went home and shared openly with my husband how I was feeling.  He listened.  He didn’t offer advice, he just listened, and that was enough.  I took my vitamins and minerals, drank some water, and moved forward.

I feel good about this.  I am recording my weight and measurements, posting some pics, and going to have faith that this new way of doing life for me is working.

It must be.  I showed up at the gym today.  I made some good decisions.  I didn’t walk away from me.  I walked forward today.  And that felt really good.


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True Confessions

Day 5, Morning.  True Confessions

I got off the path for a few days.  Looking back at my posts I can see that I was starting to feel better.  I was hopeful and knew that it was working so why sabotage my efforts?  I really had to dig deep on this one, and I did some counselling with my mentors, Jenean Zunk, Namaste Living, and my coach Steve, and what came out of my mouth, without too much thought, was “I am afraid”.

True Confessions #1:  I am afraid of what might come next.

This may sound like really crazy thinking, and on many levels it is.    Because I had only been working on this for 4 days.  Why the sabotage so early in the game?  What was I afraid of?

Well, first, I think the self sabotage so early in the game was because my body, mind and soul hadn’t had enough time with healthy living and thinking, so it was so easy to convince myself to go back to my normal way of living.  I don’t think I woke up and said “I give up”.  It was a gradual process.  First, I went to bed later than usual, then I didn’t do my morning meditation.  Next thing I knew I didn’t take the vitamins that morning, and next thing I knew I was indecisive about what to wear, didn’t take the dog on her long walk, and rushed to work only to arrive late.  The rest was downhill from there. 4 days later, and I am talking to Steve (my friend and coach) and telling him I had not been that consistent.  And then it poured out of me.

I am afraid of  my success.  If I succeed what will happen?  How will my life change?  Do I really truly want to kayak next summer? Will I apply for a Executive Director Position, will I still be the same person on the inside? What will I do with all that sagging, hanging skin?  Is it too late for me?  If I follow this path, how does it align with my theory that “diets don’t work?”

I had convinced myself that a diet means I have to follow a schedule, a pattern, I have to “Follow the Rules”.   What I am really doing on this journey is eating anything I want, working on loving my body now, and making sure I put some  healthy vitamins and minerals in my system to ensure that I get all I need in my system to help boost my energy, and get me to a healthy place.  But, I personally, was treating it like a diet.  When Steve sat down with me, he ordered a mexican taco (3 tacos, counting 3!) plate for dinner and two beers.  I was shocked and stunned.  I asked him, how can you do that?  He laughed and assured me that I could do and have anything I want.  He reminded me that what I wanted was to feel better, have more energy, and that my goal wasn’t to lose weight.  Sure it would be nice if I did, but that wasn’t my reason for contacting him.

The goal here was to get into my system the vitamins and minerals my body needed to feel better and have more energy.

I did want my life to change.  I was counting on it. I wanted to swim, hike, walk, travel, write, and so much more.  So where was the fear coming from in that area?

People would see me.  I would have to live up that person inside me on a regular basis.  I would need to trust myself more, and speak up more, and not hide on my couch.  I was okay with all that.

True Confessions #2:  Digging deeper, I realized that this wasn’t going to be the answer to all my fears.  More were going to bubble up regardless of feeling healthy.

I would simply be better equipped to handle them because I would be operating from a healthier state of mind and confidence in myself.  And the truth was I really do want to lose weight.  I want to see the pounds drop off fast and look thin tomorrow.  I have trouble sitting with myself as I am.  Does that really make any sense?  I want to lose weight, but I stop the plan because I don’t believe in dieting, and yet this isn’t a diet I am on and I can eat anything I want?  I feel like a person with multiple personalities who has no clue what she wants, and does everything in her power to destroy positive thinking.

Sheesh!! And then Steve said.  “Just let yourself know that this is just working.  Working to give you energy.  Period.  Working to help you have the energy to swim with wild horses next summer.  Period.  Working to help you on your goal to take that art class next year in Belize.  Period.  Eat whatever you went, whenever you want.  Sit on the couch, watch reruns of Criminal Minds.  And feel good about what you are giving your body.  Period.  Balance Taryn,  its all about balance and having fun, and living out your dreams”

And that is what I want. 

So, because its not failing when you get off the path, and its not a diet, I took a deep breath, and said “Yes.  Yes to Taryn, Yes to Now, Yes to getting back on the path.”  I have added something new to my process.  I have added a new mantra, adapted from from author Brene Brown’s recommendation, and her book “Daring Greatly”.

I am going to accept and love myself unconditionally right now, and to give up the self doubt.  And I am going to choose to believe in this journey even though right now I can’t see it.  I am going to step out in faith and allow it all to unfold.

And I am going to repeat that statement to myself out loud every day.  So here’s to day 5,  Let’s roll.

How are you doing?  If anyone is on a similar journey, or struggling with limited beliefs, I would love to hear from you.  Let’s be in this together!


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Unplanned Interruptions

Day 4, Evening

It’s only my fourth day and already I struggle with others scheduling my day in a way that makes it difficult to stay on track.  I came in to work today and I began meetings at 9:00am.  And at around 11:00 I received a notice of another unscheduled meeting I was required to attend, followed by a birthday lunch for the President of our company.  These unplanned interruptions tend to trip me up a bit,  What do I do?  What do I order?  How to I stay on track.  Today I had planned to take a walk, head on over to a local restaurant for a lettuce wrap, and feel good about my choices.  Instead, not only was I stuck with these unplanned interruptions (clearly they weren’t on my schedule)  but it was causing me a little angst followed by guilt.

There were a couple of things going on:

  1.  I didn’t want people to think I was “dieting” and therefore choosing not to eat.
  2.  I am a “foodie” by nature and love the engagement with others, and who is going to turn down lunch from a great restaurant?
  3. Keeping in line with my beliefs that diets don’t work, I didn’t want to have to agonize over what to order, how many calories it had, and whether I was going to gain a pound by my choices.

And so, I let it go. 

I remembered my commitment, 2 vitamin and mineral supplements each and every day and I can eat anything I want.  And so I ordered a personal gourmet pizza.  (Pizza happens to be my favorite food group).  I added a salad.

So, here it was I noticed.  I weigh the same as I did going in to lunch.  I didn’t gain or lose a pound, I had a great time with my peers and I did not feel guilty.  I gave myself permission to enjoy this.  And I did.

But, I also noticed that I chose to slow down.  To breathe and relax. I chose to eat slower, drink more water, chew my food.  I also chose to engage in conversation with people at the table.    I didn’t plan this, I just knew I could do it.

I could enjoy the meal, enjoy the company, and let the guilt go.

The truth is, I am not going to lose this weight overnight.  I know that.  My emotional reasons for eating are not going to change overnight.  I know this too.  And unplanned interruptions are going to happen often.

So what do I do about it?  Well, I spent some time thinking about that tonight and here are some thoughts and ideas I came up with:

  1.  I can do my best to know what is planned for the day, and prepare for it.  I knew in advance about all the meetings.  I knew that come lunch time I would be tired.
  2. When I am tired, I seem to rush, eat more food, and even make some pretty “serious eating choices”, like an appetizer, a meal, and dessert, swallowed down with a diet soda.  So, before ordering, I can slow down, take a few deep breaths, take a walk, drink a glass of water.  This will help me put food into perspective.
  3. Put food into perspective? What the heck does that mean right?  Well, I was surprised when that thought came to me.  But, what I began to realize is that food has no feelings about whether I eat it or not, so it will always be there when I want it.  Food is fuel.  Its the energy I need to get my body healthy.  Therefore, since I am working at getting healthier and having more energy, its up to me to ask my body what it needs and to then listen to it.  I know for sure, if I am tired, pizza isn’t going to help raise my energy levels.  Pizza actually leaves me feeling bloated, grumpy, and sleepy.  So, perhaps I should have pizza when my energy levels aren’t depleted after 4 meetings before noon.  That is perspective.
  4. An unplanned interruption doesn’t mean the whole day is a bust.  Even if you choose a food that leaves you tired.  You can accept  your choices, enjoy it, and afterward feel good about it all.  And you can take a walk, drink some water, schedule some after work downtime,  and a walk in the neighborhood.  You can up your movement, or do something you love, all things that bring balance to our lives.
  5. There is always tomorrow.  And tomorrow when you wake up, you won’t need to beat yourself up for blowing your diet, because:  NEWS FLASH TARYN.  You aren’t on a diet!

It is only day 4, but I have to say I feel really good about this.  I came home and instead of plopping down on the couch and staying there, I plopped down on the couch for a bit, then got up and took the dog for a walk.  I sat under the stars and listened to the animals settling in for the night, and I felt good about myself as I set some thoughts in motion for tomorrow.

My theory is this:  You have to learn to love and accept yourself

first in the body you have right now.

And as you do, as you replace negative thoughts with positive affirmation, uplifting beliefs in yourself, and an attitude of balance – the mind, body and soul, your life will change, and I suspect so will how you feel about your body.  And I am pretty sure that your body will change in line with how you do.

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The Container

Day 4 Morning

I have begun to think of my life, my body, and my job as containers. Or maybe just one container.  When you open the container, you see the same thing day in and day out.  It’s all self-contained, safe, comfortable.  Its a container filled to the brim and its difficult to think about adding things to it.  Quite simply in my current set of circumstances there is no room.  But then I wonder.  Is it okay if the container overflows?  Is it okay to remove some of the “stuff” in the container to make room for the new habits, new ways of valuing myself, honoring my body?  Can I get out of the container?  Do I need everything contained?  What would it look like if nothing was in a container?  Where would I put all the stuff?  The thoughts, the actions, the people, the MEGA To Do List, the problems, the successes?

Do I need the past in that container?  What about the present?  The future?

It seems the past is going to gather there at the bottom of the container as long as I allow it.  The present, as I grow and change may not want to go inside the container, and  the future?  Well how the heck can I even begin to contain it?  Its an interesting thing to think about.

Perhaps the answer is to work at living in  the NOW. 

The now requires no place.  It comes in and fulfills its purpose and then its gone.  Neither, Past, Present or Future.  In fact when I think about it every choice I make is in the NOW.  I may think about doing something, but when I decide to do it, that very act is in the NOW.

I am feeling okay today.  Very introspective as you can see, but okay.  Today I am not going to worry about tomorrow’s plan. I have work to do both personally and professionally and I am go to work on the day focused on the now.  The rest, like my weight, or my haircut (I just got a perm), or the bad attitude my husband had two days ago are things I can’t change today.  So why let it get in the way of my own self care today.  NOW LIVING.  I like that.

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Day 3 Evening

It’s funny.  I find my body struggling a little with these new things.  Vitamins, minerals, healthier food, a little more movement.  I seem tired all day and then tonight I can’t fall asleep.   I do know in my heart though that there is going to be this shift.  I can feel it.  Until then, I will keep on keeping on.  I went to bed early tonight, tossed and turned but finally fell asleep.  I feel like doing something tomorrow.  Maybe a nice long walk outdoors.

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What’s going on?

Day 3, Morning

It’s only been three days and today I woke up achy.  My joints hurt, my back hurt, I was tired, almost feeling like I had a sleep hangover or not enough sleep.  What’s going on?  Am I getting sick?  I have been taking the vitamins and minerals religiously so why weren’t they working?

And then it occurred to me.  They are working. 

I am putting good stuff into my body and its doing its best to get out all the bad stuff.  Mentally my body and mind are revolting.  They’ve been getting the “not so great treatment” for a long time and perhaps they aren’t quite sure its here to stay.  So why not revolt early so we can get back on that schedule of less sleep, junk food, stress, moodiness and deep couch sitting.  Its my zone of comfort even though it leaves me feeling lethargic. moody and just plain blah.

So, right now, I am going to sit down and practice some relaxation and clearing techniques, and what some call meditation (even though I struggle with keeping me mind clear for extended amounts of time) so calling it meditation is a stretch! I am doing this to ground myself, create some balance, and focus on the positive effects of this process.  I find that breathing exercises (ask me for some if you want to try this, or check out the freebies on my site) helps me gain clarity and gets me back on track quickly.

When “What’s Going On?” gets going, the quicker I can breathe and gain some balance, the faster I get back on track.  It is a technique I have learned through my classes with Jenean Zunk and Rhonda Lee.  Mentors, coaches and great friends.  Check out their sites.  They have a great message to share with the world and I am honored to know them.

Anyway,  today I woke up feeling kind of down and out, ready to throw in the towel, and when I recognized it for it was I was quickly able to turn it around and allow it to flow through me.  Its a strategy that seems to be working for me.

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It’s all good! THE LIST.

Day 2:   When I decided to quit drinking 10 years ago, I made a decision to surround myself with people that I most admired.  I also asked them to help me with encouragement, and just giving of their time if I needed a shoulder.  Some of these people I hardly knew, but I know God led me to them.  Others I met on the path of recovery and all of them have become lifetime friends.  What I learned during that period of time in my life was that you had to put yourself out there, you had to ask for help, and you had to find a strong support group.  Not a critical one, a strong supportive one.

I also learned a valuable lesson about anything you want to do.   Whether its something you need to change, or something you want to learn, create, build or improve there are 3 things that you need to focus on to ensure lasting success.  You have to address three areas:  Your Body.  Your Mind.  Your Soul.  You simply can’t feel whole or worthy without feeding all three.  Without balance in these three areas I find myself steering off the path. The moment I find negative thoughts. lethargy, anger, moodiness, or other emotions not conducive to healthy living, I know its because I have forgotten to follow my own beliefs.  I can actually look back at the past and site the things I stopped doing.  The nature walks, the journaling, the morning ritual of dreaming, a trip to the Farmer’s market, the slowing down of my mind.  Things that I do to take care of myself.  At work, I begin making rushed decisions, while at home, I find myself watching reruns of Criminal minds while eating 3 cupcakes.  I will stay up until 3:00am rearranging furniture, or just feeling sorry for myself.

I realized this when I quit drinking because suddenly I had so much time on my hands.  The problem I had was I had forgotten who I was in a way.  I didn’t know what I enjoyed, wasn’t even sure of my own values, and didn’t really like myself that much.  So, I began a process of figuring it out.  Did I really like sitting in a bar?  No.  Did I enjoy swimming?  YES!  And slowly, I added those things back into my life.

The harder part though was figuring out what I liked about ME.

I had spent so much time beating myself up an allowing others to beat me up, I didn’t believe in my own self worth very much.

Recently, I added a new friend to my growing group of Mentors, Coaches, just good people who I always learn from.  Jenean Zunk, Energy Specialist and Angel Intuitive at Namaste Living, challenged me to dig a little deeper, work a little harder and create two lists.  Sounds easy right?  Can I just say, One list was easier than the other.  Can you guess which one?  I am still working on them.  The first is a list of 100 things I love to do.  The other is 100 things I love about myself.  If you are following me, and on  your own path of worthiness and better living, I challenge you to give it a try.

I have found some surprises in the process.  And I have also realized that if I truly love to do these things, why am I not doing them more often?  And, if I really do love my honesty, then why am I not being honest with myself?  Or if I love that I am loving to others, why can’t I love myself the same way?  Its been quite eye opening.

These lists have helped me create ways to stay on the path and when the day looks gray, I can look at the list and remind myself that I love myself, and there are some things I love to do that can help move me back on the path and out of the weeds to healthier, happy living.  Because I am win orth it.  You are too!

PS.  I will share my lists shortly.  Why not create yours and let me know what you learned about yourself? I would love to hear about your own journey.

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Old Habits Die Hard

Day 1, Evening

Old Habits Die Hard.   Part of the challenge with my life in general, is that aside from my job, all the hours in between have no definitive plan or process in place to help me make wiser choices.  As a barefoot Bohemian, I take life as it comes, push to the edges, schedule too many things in one day, fly by the seat of my pants with big ideas and creative whims.  When I asked my friend Steve to help me with this new segment of my journey, I knew one thing would have to change.  I would need to commit to changing that unscheduled, spontaneous lifestyle at least a little.  He said, I could eat anything I wanted, whenever I wanted and for whatever reasons, as long as I made sure that 2x a day (once in the morning and once at night) I got in the vitamins and minerals I needed to renew my energy and start treating my body better.

The morning was easy.  It was the first thing I did.  But tonight, as I made my way upstairs to bed, the last thing on my mind was the second part of the process.  All the way up the stairs on bad knees, exhausted and ready to hit that bed hard, I remembered.    Back downstairs I went to make sure I kept my end of the bargain.  Its not a difficult thing to do.  A glass, a powder, a drink.  But it’s something I need to schedule.  This is something I am not used to and its a lesson to me.  Sometimes, our old habits get in the way of our work.  Its not that they are bad habits, they just hold us back from making changes.  At one time, those habits may have been working for me but right now, today, if I really want to change some things, I need to adapt just a little.  I need to learn to schedule time for taking care of myself and giving my body what it needs to perform better.

Since I know I am worth it, making the change is worth my time and energy.  I wonder, do we all have habits we need to change to make way for the better things on the path?  What are yours?

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Back on the (My) Path Today

Day 1 Morning

Back on the (My) Path Today. I was stuck. Really stuck. Some sort of life journey had begun for me years ago, but as I sat on the couch feeling really down on myself, I had to ask what I truly believe? What do you truly believe, Taryn? Do you truly believe that you can love yourself in the body you have right now? Is it possible to live out your dreams now, not waiting for the miracle diet pill, not trying the next fad diet, not signing up for the next weight loss program, and yet, knowing that you want to lose weight if only to feel better about yourself and believing you can without dieting? Do you really believe it? Is it possible for these “I have to lose weight” and “I need to love my body now, and play out my dreams” thoughts to exist in the body you have today and still move forward?

On that day, at that very moment, I didn’t really know the answer. I did know I was stuck, in a not so good, very bad day place and I wanted to pick myself up out of it. What was wrong?

I was still fat, I didn’t feel good inside of my body today and I truly just wanted out of it. Out of my body. I felt my soul was fine, I knew I was still on my journey of discovery filled with hope, but I was down, and tired, and struggling with a few challenges. I had some really bad pain in my knees which prohibited me from doing much. I was getting ready to travel to a business convention which always gets me worked up just dealing with the seats on the airplane. I was feeling big, and out of place, and everything felt wrong. I was simply tired.

It happens to all of us. I know that. I was making a decision though. To really work on being healthy, without diets, but still, I did need to change my eating habits, and I had to really listen to my body and start to understand the reasons behind my habits. At the same time, I worried. How could I help others on similar journeys, if 1) I couldn’t do it for myself, and 2) I was contemplating or even thinking about the idea that I had to “Diet” when I have been telling everyone DIETS don’t work?

What do I truly believe?


That my body tells me everyday what it needs. I just don’t listen to it very often.

That energy is affected by emotions, stress levels, and over eating is the way I was dealing with it all. It wasn’t working for me.

That no matter what path I take to get healthier, it is a process and I needed to institute a little discipline into that process.

That I perceive starting over as failure. I just needed  to get back on the path.

And I am getting back on the (my) path today.

And that in order to help others, I had to begin by helping myself.

Starting today, I am recording my journey here, the good, the bad, the sometimes hard and difficult truths, and above all the triumph over all of this, once and for all without diets.

I made a call today. A very good friend and mentor of mine. I told him how I was feeling. I said,

“Steve, I really don’t care if I lose weight. I just want my energy back. If weight loss comes with it, great, if not, as long as I have my energy back, then I am happy, in fact ecstatic, with that. Will you help me?”

He said yes, and today I started a healthy life program. I am eating the same as I have always been eating, not cutting out anything. Recording my progress here on my journal page, and including a vitamin and mineral plan to help me through it.

I am going to record my starting measurements and weight here along with my overall feeling of sadness, disappointment in myself, and exhaustion, just to see if listening to my body really works. Will I lose weight? Can changing my mindset really work?

I won’t know today, but I am hopeful I will find the answers as I go. I will share it all here. You can help me by being my cheerleader, pushing me when I am struggling, and on my really bad days, perhaps offer me some encouragement in the way of a quote, or story, or your own journey.




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thumbnail Inner Child Reunion zoom
next page next page close “You can be the most beautiful person in the world and everybody sees light and rainbows when they look at you, but if you yourself don't know it, all of that doesn't even matter. Every second that you spend on doubting your self-worth, every moment that you use to criticize yourself; is a second of your life wasted, is a moment of your life thrown away. It's not like you have forever, so don't waste any of your seconds, don't throw even one of your moments away.” C. Joy Bell"

Positive Vibes Going On Today

Day 8 Morning It’s an “I’m feeling good kind of day”.  I have...
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Breaking Patterns.

Patterns for better living.  Going from Lackluster to Loving! Day 7, Evening. I have...
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Connecting the Dots

Day 6, Evening  Connecting Dots My Pastor used to tell me as I began to explore my...
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Checking in. Journal Writing

Day 6, Morning As I write my journal and share it with you I realize that not every day...
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Weigh In.

Day 5 Evening Gold’s Gym has a sign on its door as you enter that says,...
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True Confessions

Day 5, Morning.  True Confessions I got off the path for a few days.  Looking back at my...
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Unplanned Interruptions

My theory is this: You have to learn to love and accept yourself first in the body you have right now.

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The Container

Day 4 Morning I have begun to think of my life, my body, and my job as containers. Or...
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Day 3 Evening

It’s funny.  I find my body struggling a little with these new things.  Vitamins,...
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What’s going on?

Day 3, Morning It’s only been three days and today I woke up achy.  My joints...
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It’s all good! THE LIST.

Day 2:   When I decided to quit drinking 10 years ago, I made a decision to surround...
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Old Habits Die Hard

Day 1, Evening Old Habits Die Hard.   Part of the challenge with my life in general, is...
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Back on the (My) Path Today

What do I truly believe? That DIETS DO NOT WORK. That my body tells me everyday what it needs. I just don’t listen to it very often. That energy is affected by emotions, stress levels, and over eating is the way I was dealing with it all. It wasn’t working for me. That no matter what path I take to get healthier, it is a process and I needed to institute a little discipline into that process. That I perceive starting over as failure. I just needed to get back on the path.

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thumbnail Inner Child Reunion article post
"“You can be the most beautiful person in the world and everybody sees light and rainbows when they look at you, but if you yourself don't know it, all of that doesn't even matter. Every second that you spend on doubting your self-worth, every moment that you use to criticize yourself; is a second of your life wasted, is a moment of your life thrown away. It's not like you have forever, so don't waste any of your seconds, don't throw even one of your moments away.” C. Joy Bell"
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