shutterstock_357386957 Butterfly FaceBREAK A LEG    My defining moment and coming face to face with my weight. It’s been awhile since I have written here. I have spent some time struggling with my body, self-image, weight loss, and joyful living. I have learned a lot through the process, but perhaps my newest experience has me seeing things from a whole different place. I think I have something to offer and share with women around the world and I hope that if it offers you peace where you are, encouragement for where you want to be, and a little lesson in self-care and love for yourself than I have offered myself and my story fully to you and that is all I have been called to do.

About a month ago, I was in a lot of pain in my left leg. I could barely walk comfortably. I had an x-ray of my back taken, and my Doctor decided to see if it was just a nerve first. During this time, I travelled on business, navigated stairs, and used a cane, the works. I was beginning to feel firsthand the impact of my weight as it related to the pain. And on the day I was scheduled for an MRI I took a step out to my car, tripped and broke my femur in two.

It was a Break a Leg Moment. 

Something I know longer need to check off my bucket list, and for the many people who asked me the question…”No they didn’t put it in a cast”.  Can I just say Thank God for that! 

Can you imagine a broken leg and a cast at my size? 

This required surgery, a rod being placed in my leg and a bolt attaching it to my hip. OUCH. Yeah Really Big OUCH! The pain was so bad, that all I could think about was the pain, then humiliation, and then the realization that my weight was going to make the healing process more difficult. Imagine carrying about 370 pounds on one leg. I knew how badly I needed it off of me, but I knew it wasn’t going to happen overnight, and what lay ahead was a weak body carrying around more weight on a broken leg.  More weight than it needed to, making it longer for me to heal and recuperate. That is just one of the facts that I was beginning to process.

Yes other people of varying sizes break their femur, and I didn’t break it because I am overweight, but the weight is making the healing process much harder for me. Emotionally friends and family and acquaintances have shown up for me in ways I never would have expected. Physically, everything is a challenge. Everything seems harder, from simply rolling over, to getting lifted into an ambulance, or navigating a door, it’s all enlarged by my size

The pain of it has become so overwhelming that this strong willed woman became an emotional mess, and I even lost my appetite for food. Lying in the hospital bed one night for an hour and 1/2 for nurse or aid to show up to help me use a bedpan, I was shook to my core. I couldn’t go on like this anymore.

This began a process for me of figuring it out, but also declaring what is true for me. I want to be a thinner version of myself. And I want this not out of dieting and starvation, I want it out of love and self-care. I don’t want it because of what others might think or feel about me. I want it because I deserve to feel good in my own body.   I deserve to be able to enjoy life to its fullest, realize all of my own dreams without excuses, and most importantly, I want the hard times to be a little less tough.

The reality is we grow older each day.

Why not grow old as healthy as we can be,

 so that we can play young until we die?

For years I have been preaching that it’s not about the dieting.   It’s about listening to your body, giving it what it needs, letting go of what causes pain, and learning to love yourself through the process. I truly believe this to be true, and I know that as I move forward on this path, my actions will validate those words. But at the same time my mind and maybe a little bit of society, was telling me it wouldn’t work. That I had to diet. I could not move forward until I came to grips with my beliefs and practiced my convictions. I had been practicing them randomly jumping from “starting a diet” to “listening to my body” and back again.   And every time I really listened to my body, I had prolonged success.

I believe there are some really unique tools, practices and methods that work to put you in the mindset of healthy joyful living, and if you are interested I would like to share them with you. Sometimes it may seem random, one thought or idea after another, but step by step, it led me to understanding who I am, where I am going and how I am gently going to go about getting there. Somethings I tried and realized it didn’t fit for me, or I would pick up a practice and adapt it to work for me. I began to understand that nothing has to be done “exactly” as they say. You can adjust things to fit your needs as long as you are being honest with yourself in the process and accept the choices you make.

Because they are your choices TO MAKE.

It’s my story. I just had to break a leg to find it.  I am sure yours will be different and I hope you will share your story too if you feel called to share.

Sending you love and wishes for your Best Life.

~Taryn

 

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